I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
