sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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