omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Sorry about my life...
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
