Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
