dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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