Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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