I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
