i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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