she woke up with a sticky ear
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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