my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Randomize
