I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
