My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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