Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Randomize
