Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
