Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
