Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
