Taylor Swift is so right about you.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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