Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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