I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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