True but thats because hes a fetus.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
