that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Randomize
