since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
