I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
