When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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