i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
