If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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