Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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