I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
