Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
