listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
