Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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