just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize