I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
