if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
the day after is always just damage control
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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