then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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