mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
