yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Randomize
