I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
