I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
