A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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