Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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