You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
