literally had 100 drinks last night.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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