This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I just forgot I was standing up.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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