How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
