dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Be still, my beating vagina.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
