I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
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