No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
