So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
You are the jesus of drinking
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
