My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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