Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
