The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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