my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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