At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
