Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
