ya dads aren't the best wingmen
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
