i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
