And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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