On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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