swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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