Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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