youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
People with herpes should wear stickers.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
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